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Post by bobcat on Jul 30, 2005 10:34:47 GMT 10
lets start a joke thread  this is an old one: Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely. He picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?" |
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ahcash
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Post by ahcash on Jul 30, 2005 17:00:36 GMT 10
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Post by MRFIT on Aug 1, 2005 14:42:53 GMT 10
disclaimer: sorry if i offend anyone..... take this joke lightheartly.....  Q: What does one gay sperm say to another gay sperm? A: where the hell are we gonna find an egg in all this shit??? |
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Post by bobcat on Aug 2, 2005 0:41:00 GMT 10
An old man is feeling ill and goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man to come back in a week for the results.
The next week, the old man returns to the doctor's office and the doc says "I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news!"
The old guy thinks it over and says, "Okay, doc, give me the worst news first."
The doctor says, "You've got cancer and there's nothing we can do for you."
"Aw shit, I'm gonna die!" replies the old man.
"Yes," says the doctor. "And you only have a couple weeks to live."
The old man just sits there stunned by the news. After a few minutes he says, "Well, go ahead and give me the bad news."
The doctor replies "You've also got Alzheimer's disease!"
"Whew!" replies the old man... "At least I don't have cancer."
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Post by bobcat on Aug 2, 2005 0:41:28 GMT 10
An electrical engineer, a civil engineer, and mechanical engineer are sitting around drinking a beer and discussing the origin of the human body and its design.
The electrical engineer says, 'God is most certainly an electrical engineer. Note how the central nervous system use electrical impulses to carry messages to the different body parts.'
The mechanical engineer says, 'No way, god is a mechanical engineer. Only a mechanical engineer could have designed the skeletal and muscle structures to work in such harmony.'
The civil engineer grabs his crotch and says, ' Sorry boys you are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal system through a recreational area?'
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Post by bobcat on Aug 2, 2005 0:44:37 GMT 10
and this is my favourite joke  A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: Bubblegum Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: Shake hands Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Harry: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself." |
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ahcash
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Post by ahcash on Sept 9, 2005 12:04:52 GMT 10
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Post by Half Schumacher on Sept 9, 2005 12:57:18 GMT 10
wahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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Post by nick on Sept 9, 2005 16:19:09 GMT 10
darn, what all these jokes are related to Fuel~~ Fuel crisis??
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Post by channeldavid on Sept 12, 2005 19:40:08 GMT 10
haha!! Good Jokes!!
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Post by bnefit on Sept 21, 2005 11:42:42 GMT 10
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
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Post by bnefit on Sept 21, 2005 11:44:31 GMT 10
Operating on Engineers
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
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Post by bnefit on Sept 21, 2005 12:01:38 GMT 10
THE VET'S BILL
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....it's $150.00
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Post by channeldavid on Sept 26, 2005 21:43:41 GMT 10
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ahcash
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Post by ahcash on Sept 27, 2005 9:33:06 GMT 10
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